Saturday, September 4, 2010

Mini Review: Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream"

I’m going to give it to you straight: I’m actually morally offended by how abysmal this album is. Upon listening to it, I actually had to switch songs midway for the majority of the track listing because it felt as though my ears were Nazis in a previous lifetime and were only now receiving their brutal punishment. Although an awful song, lead single “California Girls” was catchy enough to be tolerable (if you were at a nightclub dancing away your urge to throw up all the shots you just took to eliminate the ugly and increase your fun). Then came “Teenage Dream,” the second single, which only contributed one positive thing to the world: this fan tribute video.

Songs like “Not Like The Movies” prove that sometimes even AutoTune can’t pass off breathy spoken vocals as singing, and songs like “E.T.” prove that sometimes AutoTune can make a human sound like Rosie from The Jetsons. In “Hummingbird Heartbeat,” Perry sings “You make me feel like I’m losing my virginity the first time and the time when you touchin’ me, I make you bloom like a flower that you never seen. Under the sun we are one buzzin’ energy … Some call it signs, we call it chemistry, this is the story of the birds and the bees.” With lyrics such as these, Perry proves her incredible skills as both a lyricist and a grammarian. And if you think that songwriting is embarrassing, just listen to the first ten seconds of “Peacock,” a song (and I use that term extremely loosely) in which Perry sings “Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock? Don’t be a chicken boy, stop acting like a bee-otch.” I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried -- but at least this song gives gay men with too much time something to do. Be sure to also remember that all this "music" is coming from a woman who chastised Lady GaGa for being “blasphemous” and sang that she “felt so wrong” kissing a girl. Looks like our good little former Christian singer has traded in her preaching and morals for hypocrisy and cash. The only 2010 release worse than this one is Ke$ha’s. From that perspective, at least Perry has accomplished something with this album.