Tuesday, February 1, 2011

AURAL RAPE: KATY PERRY EDITION

Why Katy Perry's "Firework" needs to fizzle out.
By Alex Nagorski


Twitter (Lisa, from pop group The Veronicas, tweets a pearl of wisdom)

I’m really over all those people who keep claiming that Katy Perry’s “Firework” is such an “inspirational” song. If I see one more person’s Facebook status about how they feel surges of confidence and empowerment when the song comes on at a club or bar, I’ll probably make like that one Japanese poet and committ seppuku on national television. 

A friend of mine tweeted the other day, “Katy Perry’s #Firework inspires me to get me through my work day.” Needless to say, we’re not very close anymore. 

What is it about this song that is blinding people to the stupidity of its lyrics? Perhaps some of the pyrotechnics that went off in Perry’s bra in the music video ricocheted into people’s ears and scrambled up their brains, planting a chip that would manipulate her audience into thinking she was talented.

Afterall, how else would people overlook the fact that even with as much AutoTune as she wears trashy wigs, Perry still can’t hit anything outside of her three-note range?

So let’s dissect this little ditty, shall we? For starters, the song opens with the line “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?” Apparently, Perry agrees with Wes Bentley’s character in American Beauty that plastic bags floating in the wind signify some sort of profound imagery. Really, I’m moved by how deep this metaphor is. 

But what really gets me about this song is that fireworks only last about fifteen seconds! So when Mrs. Russell Brand “sings” in the chorus, “baby, you’re a firework,” what she’s really saying is “baby, you have a short fuse before you explode all over the place ... and die.” Wow, Katy. That’s like so totally inspirational. Like oh-em-gee.

What you’re not necessarily right about is the line “after a hurricane comes a rainbow.” While, yes, it is possible for a rainbow to occur after a hurricane, it is not a scientific rule that this will definitely happen. So really, Katy has written the official anthem for the “It Might Get Better” campaign.

In addition, the line "boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon" not only demonstrates Katy's impeccable songwriting skills, but also provides another fine example of what I'm sure were the excellent grades she received in science class. 

Like a firework, Katy Perry is loud, obnoxious, an acquired taste, tries too hard to display too many colors, scares animals, and becomes annoyingly repetitive if let loose more than once a year.  How she is selling records (let alone got a record deal in the first place) both baffles me and gives me hope that I, as vocally challenged as I am, can one day too top the charts. Until then, I recommed you stay far, far away from “Firework.” Once it has been ignited, the only things that will be blowing up are your eardrums.
 
The music video for Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” Katy Perry's "Firework."

(Make it go-oh-oh-oh away)

Originally published on Crazytown Blog

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jelous bastards. Pretty sure Katy is one of the biggest pop stars EVER! When you all are bigger than her (which will be never) look back on this! Fucking twits the lot of you! Enough said..