Tuesday, April 19, 2011

THE TOP 15 REASONS I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU

By Alex Nagorski

1. You like to use the urinal directly next to me when we go out.

2. You don't use directionals when you turn.

3. You defend people who think gum is an okay substitute for brushing their teeth.

4. You feel inspired by (and quote) Eat Pray Love.

5. You hum.

6. You walk at the pace of a dying snail.

7. You stopped to talk to the dude in the subway who asked if you had Jesus in your heart.

8. You actually use "lol" in text messages.

9. Whenever we go out to eat, I can't concentrate on what you're saying because of how loudly you're chewing. As Michael Caine said in Miss Congeniality, "what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap."

10. You try to validate Renee Zellweger's existence.

11. You literally asked me "so like, what are your hope and dreams?" as if you were Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.

12. You thought Africa was a country.

13. Sometimes when you're watching TV, you get so invested that your breathing begins to sound like you're snoring.

14. You didn't have a complete coronary when you heard that Britney would be collaborating with Rihanna on a duet version of "S&M."

14. You're a Red Sox fan. Just kidding. I don't give a shit ... but I do care that you don't understand the brilliance of Buffy.

15. You'll never bring me the amount of joy this lady does:


Originally published on Crazytown Blog

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