FIERCE AND FEELING MIGHTY

A review of Kylie Minogue's "Aphrodite" tour.
By Alex Nagorski


Remember that level of Mario Kart called Rainbow Road? You know, the one where the track is just a massive rainbow with giant glittery obstacles for you to bypass? Well, imagine the player you’ve selected to use on this level is Princess Peach and the car you’ve chosen is a pink Barbie-esque Corvette to match your pretty princess dress and compliment your golden tiara. Every time the car turns, fairy dust comes out the end as you catch a star and sparkle harder than Edward Cullen on a Santa Barbara beach day. Now imagine that the game music is down and you’re playing while blasting the Burlesque soundtrack and are getting a pedicure from a naked Zac Efron and back rub from a nude Channing Tatum. Still following?

Well if you’re able to visualize all of this then it’s pretty safe assumption to think that what you’re imagining sounds like the gayest thing imaginable. Well guess again. Because compared to Kylie Minogue’s “Aphrodite” tour, that scenario is the motherfucking Superbowl and you’re scratching your balls with hands drenched in Dorito dust and Budweiser.

Kylie knows her audience. Like, I can’t emphasize this point enough. Girl knows her audience, more commonly referred to as “that army of drunk homosexual men.” I say this because upon entering the Hammerstein Ballroom for Kylie’s final New York stop on her “Aphrodite” world tour last Wednesday, I felt like I was mounting a pride parade float custom designed by Christian Siriano.

Greek columns framed the stage as the audience surrounded it to prepare to worship at the Temple Minogue. Screens in the background showed an undersea world full of flawlessly sculpted mermen, adding to the mythological ambiance the show was setting its audience up for. The lights dimmed and the crowd shrieked as Kylie emerged center stage, coming out of a golden shell looking fiercer than any Botticelli bombshell ever did.

Appropriately, Kylie opened the show with “Aphrodite,” the title track from her criminally underrated 2010 masterpiece of a pop album. As she descended down the stairs, followed by her two GaGa-esque backup singers and legion of hunky, half-naked male backup dancers, I immediately knew I was in for a night of epic proportions that would surely make my mother go to church to pray for my redemption.

Kylie is a true veteran of the industry. Although she may not be as recognized this side of the Atlantic, she’s been around just as long as Madonna and has tons and tons of hits. She blended older songs like “On A Night Like This” and “Spinning Around” perfectly with more contemporary smashes such as “Get Outta My Way” and "Can't Get You Out Of My Head” within her over two-hour set. Name any Kylie song you can think of. Chances are she performed it.

Visually, the show was stunning. During “Cupid Boy,” for instance, her dancers fell from ribbons in the ceiling, doing mid-air aerobics throughout the song … sort of like a softcore gay porn parody of Pink’s “Glitter In The Air” Grammy performance.  Kylie changed costumes multiple times and would always re-enter the stage in a very dramatic fashion – like by popping up on a giant golden statue of Pegasus, the winged horse.

While her interactions with the audience were minimal, whenever Kylie did take a break to talk to the crowd she was never anything but cute and funny. Constantly using words like “fierce” and “fabulous,” she was humble when talking about the amazing reception her three-night stint in New York has been. Despite her status as a pop icon, Kylie never seemed anything but humble. Humble but self-aware. The type of woman you would want to sit down for a quite coffee date with but also someone you’d play dress up with while doing tequila shots off each other’s bodies after.

The “Aphrodite” tour was spectacular in every way. I honestly couldn’t have had a better time. It’s exactly what I think Britney’s upcoming “Femme Fatale” tour should be. Kylie is admittedly not a dancer. Therefore, despite the occasional dance break, she didn’t try to outdo herself and instead did flawless Tyra-esque struts and various other activities on stage. During Britney’s “Circus” tour, she tried too hard to give off the dancer impression. Here’s hoping she’ll take a page from Kylie’s book and find other things to do on stage while remaining entertaining and true to herself.

Kylie brought it hard with the "Aphrodite" tour. She may not be the household name in America that she is abroad, but girl owned the stage and had New York eating out of the palm of her hand. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect show to kick off my summer concert series.

 

 

Originally published on Crazytown Blog