Thursday, July 14, 2011

WHAT IF POPSTARS WERE VIDEO GAMES?

by ALEX NAGORSKI

Musicians are always being compared to one another. If Lady GaGa has a new single, it has to immediately be put in a fighting rink against Britney Spears’ latest single. If Kanye West is releasing an album one day, then 50 Cent has to release his album that day too to try to prove himself. My point? It’s unnecessary.

Instead of pitting artists against one another, I think we should all view them in comparison to something that makes far more sense … like video games. For example:


Joe Jonas as Major League Baseball 2K11
Let’s be honest: no matter how masculine you try to pretend like you are, you’re still wearing a jock strap under your tight pants while you play with phallic objects and shower in a locker room with other men.


Christina Aguilera as Epic Mickey
In theory, this sounds like it could be great. After all, the concept involves lavish costumes and squeaky voices ripping off the past and trying to pass it off as original. But the final product is overly convoluted and stuffed with obstacles that make it nothing short of an epic flop.

Britney Spears as Mario Kart
Granted, this is not the most complicated game. But at the same time, it’s a guaranteed crowd pleaser, even if people seem apprehensive about it at first. And no matter how many Koopa shells (or Cheetohs) get flung in your direction, you know that you won’t be disappointed when you ultimately cross the finish line.  


Vanessa Hudgens  as Chicken Riot
I’m sorry but … does anybody know this even existed?


Ashlee Simpson as Avatar: The Game
It’s the classic story of the sad spin-off to a pre-established successful franchise that people buy out of brand loyalty but never touch again after storing it in the attic when they’re done using it the first time.


Kelly Clarkson as Arkham Asylum
It’s dark, twisted, and full of surprises. And just when you think you have it figured out and can see a glimpse of hope, a demon from your past comes back to haunt and torture you in the most painful ways.


Whitney Houston as every Sonic The Hedgehog game after the ‘90s
A sad resurggence of lost glory gasping for a breath of contemporary relevance. Like Tyra, we were all rooting for you. But noooooooooo, you just had to go and take something great and ruin it by making it incredibly boring.


Miley Cyrus as The Lion King for Super Nintendo
At first glance, you would assume this is child-friendly. Well, you’d be very mistaken. Full of bloodthirsty predators (paparazzi), overprotective parents (Billy Ray), bursts of rebellion (an Annie Liebowitz-shot Vanity Fair cover), jungle exploration (“salvia”), and an eventual spurt of maturity (Can’t Be Tamed), this game beats the innocence straight out of any Southern beast who plays it. 

Danity Kane as Donkey Kong
And it’s not just because of the initials. The second you lose Diddy, you lose the game.


Adele as The Legend of Zelda
Stunning, beautiful, and complex, this game makes you think more than the majority of the rest of what’s out there do. Plus the end result is far more satisfying. 


New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys super-group as Lego: Star Wars
Aw. It’s cute how hard you’re trying.


Jennifer Lopez as Mega Man
Whenever people hear that it’s coming back, it’s met with a mix of a lot of excitement and skepticism. But after one week on the shelves, it’s already forgotten about.


Ke$ha as Raving Rabbids
Because you can only really experience the brilliance of it when you’re high.

Agree? Disagree? Have some more comparisons you thought of? Share in the comments section below!
 

1 comment:

Dan said...

wait, "The second you lose Diddy, you lose the game."...i'm dying. This whole article is absolutely brilliant. probably the smartest thing i've read all year